Splitting the Bill, German Style
I recently visited a close friend in Rwanda. She’s been living and working in Kigali for 3 years, and has built up a network of both local and expat friends. She’s German, works for a German organization and has several German friends. When we arrived, she kindly invited my partner and I to join a group of her German mates on a weekend trip to Nyungwe Forest where the chimps live in the Southwest of the country, an opportunity neither of us wanted to miss.
There were 7 of us, and we drove to the forest in their cars, stayed one night on the way in a friend’s house, who prepared a wonderful barbecue dinner of beef and goat and prepared breakfast the following morning. We were so delighted to be their guests, we later bought everyone drinks at a hotel we visited. I’m sure that at some point, we offered to contribute money towards gas, but the offer was brushed off – “we’ll figure it out later.”
A week later, just as we were leaving Rwanda, we received an itemized matrix outlining what all 7 of us owed to cover the cost of the excursion: food, drink, gas and any other collective expenditure. The entirety of the bill demonstrated a complex, thoughtful calculation (part of the equation was paying entrance to the park for one of the friends as a birthday present, part of it factored in the non-participation of an eighth friend who only joined us for part of the way).
Immediately, our reaction as Americans was, “Whoa, wait a minute. Is this for real? Did someone really keep track of everything and spent their time putting this onerous thing together?” The precise calculation of everything owed, down to the penny, is something an American would easily interpret as a stingy move, especially considering this was between friends and friends of friends. We were bewildered by the precision and energy put into the “invoice”.
We were so grateful to have been invited along that we were happy to contribute, but no one had mentioned this is how it worked, which is often the case with culture. What is “normal” to one person is abnormal to another. To be completely honest, receiving a long-winded, itemized bill was off-putting. However, being half-German myself, I understood the intent and cultural background to this practice.
Fairness, equality and accountability all play into this cultural norm. Orderliness is a central theme of the German culture. “Alles in ordnung?” (literally, “is everything in order?”) is a common expression used to ask if everything is alright. Making sure that everything is in its place and adhering to accepted, efficient processes plays into this.
You experience this when you settle your check at restaurants in Germany where the first waiter’s first question is always, “Do you want to pay together or separately?” Bezahlen sie zusammen oder getrennt? If you choose to pay separately, it’s the waiter’s duty to go around the table and settle each person’s account individually based on exactly what they consumed. I’ve never seen this in any other part of the world. In the US, for example, you can certainly request separate bills (beware: the waiter might get irritated), but many people would prefer to split evenly, however unfair or inefficient it would be (see this interesting study on the matter in the Economic Journal). More often than not, one person would elect to pay the entire bill, silently expecting someone else to do the same on the next occasion.
In any case, I wasn’t able to ask the creator of the invoice more about how often this happens – we had to catch a flight to Nairobi. My friend told me this was pretty customary. Seeing our reaction to this event, she smiled and said, “You know what, I think you Americans are more generous than Germans.”
Sean
RW3 CultureWizard
So so true! I have a very detailed spreadsheet of costs from a trip I took with a German friend, just as described!
In all my years living and working in Germany this has always been a topic that gave me much interest. On one side, “the splitting of the bill” removes any sort of quarrels or misunderstanding relating to those who shirk their responsibilites on a regalar basis, on the other hand it brings an overplanned stuffiness to socialising which should on the contrary be relaxed and hassle free.
Bill splitting is something which a German waiter becomes quite efficient at, usually utilising the total receipt he crosses off items as people claim what they had, then moves on to the next.
Bill splitting only gets complex when you get to items which were shared. How do you split for example a plate of nachos, a pizza or a bottle of wine? Not to worry, each person will be asked how many slices of the pizza they had or how many glasses they consumed and the total calculated using fractions.
Most puzzling for me was to see a couple on a first date. Forget about the chivalric male who always pays for the first meal. I have overheard a pair of lovebirds splitting the bill in preparation with the guy saying he had 2 and a half glasses of wine and the girl saying she had two. They split the bottle price by 9 and multiplied it by 5 and 4 respectively. Amazing!
Maybe my German friends were influenced by Asian cultures, since they lived in Asia or visited Asian/African countries a few times. I have heard about the bill split but just have not experienced it in a situation that I didn’t find appropriate. However, I have heard from my Chinese female friends about their frustrations when their “western” boyfriends request to go dutch.
Beeing German myself I can fully confirm the article but the comment from Michael Fox seems odd, even to me
This is non-standard behaviour even in Germany.
As I learned in a recent intercultural training, proverbs give a good impression on attitudes and values in certain cultures. In German we have “Gute Freunde, strenge Rechnung” (“good friends, strict accounting” more or less) which is two fold: If you are good friends, you should calculte correctly and if you calculate correctly, you stay good friends.
I can understand that this seems rather odd to non-Germans but if you are used to it, it is indeed very fair and effective, and that’s what beeing German is about, isn’t it
Carlos
I think it really depends on the individual too. I’m Asian and when I go out with my friends (known back from school days), we alwasy split the bill. There are other friends however that we will go by “you pay this time and I pay the next time”.
I for one sees fairness and efficiency quite important…so may be I should consider moving to Germany.
Since 30 years I am living germany ( not a german). Bill splitting is very common
here, it will be also practised between family members. First time it cause some confusion and some uncofortable moments. You need some gut to overcome it become acquainted with this custom. I would not say this is negative.
Germans like friendship based on fact, no emotional frienschip.
Once I went with one of my best friend to have some beer ( in die Kneipe, once in 2 months we use to go out). We drunk two beer ( 0.5 liter) each. The bar ( Kneipe)has got an offer, 1.5 liter mug beer for the price of 1 liter. My friend ordered a mug beer and divided it. By paying the bill he asked me to split the cost of a mug beer and we did it. This is the german style!
Terrific article. Asian culture is quite the contrary where you have to fight to pay for the bill and must do it at least several times or sneak it away if you want to pay. This is especially true in Asia. With the US becoming more and more multicultural, I never know what to expect anymore when I go out to eat with a group. Any tips on this?
@Carina Reyes
There is no real rule or custom in the USA on bill-splitting. Sometimes you sneak the bill to pay, sometimes you split, but rarely do you itemize exactly what you got. Except with close family or close friends, it is rare to pay the bill for everyone, though. Sometimes when you are a guest, the invitor will pay (again, not a rule, and the invitee should still offer to pay). With dates, one person will still often pay (the man in man-woman dates), but that is becoming slightly less common (though the woman certainly likes it!).
The following sentence “les bons comptes font les bons amis” (good accouting make good friends) is a very common French saying as well. But bill split is rather done on equality basis, itemization being regarded as stingy.