Preparing your teenager for global assignment can be complicated, but is incredibly important. As is the case with any major transition, it is important to set our children up for success to facilitate smoother adjustment. Adolescents typically do not like change if they believe they have no say over it. They tend to have a harder time adjusting than younger children and thrive when they feel some control and autonomy through forced or unexpected transitions. While going on a global assignment certainly changes things for them in many significant ways, there are things that parents can do ahead to help ease this transition.
All children and teens are different. Everyone knows that, especially if you have more than one child. Before you read these tips, take a moment to think about your teen in particular and how he/she is likely to respond to going on assignment. How does he/she tend to respond to change? Is he/she somewhat oppositional and disagree or fight with you about seemingly anything? Is he/she more of an anxious child? The answers to these questions will guide you with how to best prepare them. Remember, teens can be tough to deal with at times. Trying to manage your own reactions to them during this process will be just as important.
Start as soon as you know.
This preparation phase begins from the moment you, as parents, learn about the assignment. This does not happen the same way for all families. Sometimes you have weeks or months of thinking about it and discussing it as a family before the final decision is made. This allows adolescents more time to get accustomed to the idea.
In other situations, you might be told that there’s an opportunity that requires a global move, but you need to move with very little advance notice. If you find yourself in this situation, you know that the myriad tasks you must complete before moving is daunting, in-and-of-itself. Your children are affected in the same way.
The amount of time you and your family have to prepare will impact the affect on your teen, but you can play a role in helping your teen adjust to the idea of moving.
How to start discussing the move.
So, how do you talk to teens about it? Oftentimes, parents want to side step the conversation or begin by telling teenagers how great the move will be. Although this might feel better for you in the moment, this actually makes things much harder on the kids.
It is recommended that teens be part of the conversation as soon as it seems like it a realistic possibility or once the decision has been made. This is even more important for teens than younger children. Most teenagers want to be treated as adults, so attempting to keep this information from them will likely result in more anger, sadness, etc. Be as open as you can about this from the beginning with your adolescent children.
Take the time to sit down as an entire family and discuss the upcoming move. Be prepared to answer their questions (if you can) about what life in the new country will look like (i.e. where will you live, when are you leaving, etc.). Be as specific as you can be, but it’s okay if you don’t have all the answers.
Rather than talking about the silver lining of the assignment and focusing on how much fun it will be to live somewhere new, try to acknowledge how your teen feels about it. Adolescents respond better to change when their parents allow them to express their feelings. For example, simply ask them, “How does this move make you feel?” If your teenager tends to be oppositional, be prepared for an argument. Try to give them the space to express their anger about moving as long as it is a developmentally appropriate response. Of course, if they become unmanageable or “cross the line” then you might need to resume this conversation at a later time.
This may sound simple, but it’s extremely important, and a step parents often overlook. Parents are sometimes worried that if they allow their teen to express negative feelings, that it may exacerbate them. On the contrary, although it can feel uncomfortable to sit with your teen’s negative feelings, allowing them to express them in a healthy way helps to prevent “acting out” later on.
Once your teen expresses him/herself, validate how they feel. For example, you can tell them, “It makes sense that you feel this way,” or “I understand that you feel ___ about this.” You can also remind them of another change that they were worried about that turned out well. Or simply let them know that you understand how they feel and that you know they can do it!
Remember, making the space for their feelings does not mean that you need to change your mind about the assignment. Teenagers might try to talk you out of it or believe that if they get mad enough or give you enough reasons, it means you will change your mind. You can listen to their concerns, and even acknowledge the truth behind them, but ultimately the decision to go on assignment is not changing. For example, “I know you will really miss your friends, and we also need to take this assignment because of my job.” Try using the word “and” instead of “but”. Teens respond negatively to “but” because it can make them feel unheard and disregarded.
Involve your teen
It helps tremendously when adolescents feel they have some control over a situation. Remember, a teenager’s goal is to be given autonomy and be treated as an adult. As a parent, your job is to help them feel that they are involved in decision making and have independence throughout this process even though there are many things they cannot actually have control over. Teens in particular want to feel that their parent trusts them to make decisions that a younger child could not make. This helps your teenager feel a sense of control over the transition, which even adults prefer.
Of course, there are many things that teens cannot control; but, offer them choices in any way you can as your family prepares for assignment. When making a decision that impacts your teen, you can ask yourself, “Is this a decision that they might want to be a part of?” The answer to that question is almost always yes. If an adolescent doesn’t care, then they will tell you and you can make the decisions on your own. But the reverse is also true. They will most likely let you know if they do care. It’s a lot easier on you as a parent to ask the question before the decision is made then find out afterwards that they cared and aren’t happy with what’s been decided.
There is no doubt that including your teenager in decisions adds more work for you. Just remind yourself that this work upfront will likely pay off. They are more likely to be compliant if they believe the ideas, decisions, etc. came from them instead of you. Also, they will adjust better once on assignment if they felt part of the process leading up to it.
Be transparent with your teenager about what decisions need to be made and what tasks need to be completed before the move. Ask them, “Is this something you’d like to help me with?” or “What do you think about this?”
For example, they can help you choose what is packed for the movers and what they can take on the plane. Even let them help you decide when to leave your home country. Maybe they have something important going on that they’d like to plan around (if possible). You can involve teens in their new environment as well. They can help you choose how to decorate their room or arrange their furniture.
Let them know what to expect.
Manage their expectations. Although this is less important for teens than younger children, it is important to let them know what lies ahead. Find out as much information as possible, ahead of time, about what life will be like for them once you move.
Teens have three important areas of life: peers, school, and home. Consider gathering as much information about what they can expect in these areas and share the information with them.
For example, rather than simply sharing the name of their new school, look at their school website (if possible) and let them know how school in the host country might be different than school at home (i.e. do they use lockers, rotate between classes, need to take a foreign language). Discuss what home life will be like and how that might be different than things are now (i.e. will there be a cook or driver? will you be home less often than you are now?).
If possible, find out if you can connect your teen with another teen already on assignment in the host country. Or, someone from their new school who could show them around once you get there. Perhaps they can connect with this person via social media to find out what to expect. Try to encourage them to build connections with peers before they get there. This will help ease the transition, especially if your adolescent tends to be more social.
Saying goodbye.
Helping your teen say goodbye to life in your home country is crucial. Teens respond better to transitions when they feel that they were able to say goodbye, even though they might not let you know that saying goodbye is important to them. This symbolizes the end of one chapter and eases the way for the new chapter to begin.
Some teens, especially girls, will have many goodbyes with their friends, teachers, etc. Others will tell you that they “don’t care,” and disregard the importance of saying goodbye. For the latter type of teenager, strongly encourage them to engage in some form of goodbye with important people in their lives. You most likely won’t need to talk with your teen about the possibility of staying in touch with important people via email, social media, texting, etc. With today’s technology, they will probably know that they can do this. But, you always remind them if you think they need to hear it from you.
If your teen seems to need your help facilitating a goodbye, there are a few ways you can do this. It can be a little more difficult with teenagers than younger children because they don’t want you as involved in the peer relationships. You can ask your teen how he/she would like to say goodbye. For example, you could have a going away party with their friends at your home. Ask your teen if he/she’d like you to do something with their classroom to commemorate the last day of school (i.e. cupcakes).
It is rare that we are afforded the chance in life to be able to prepare to say goodbye and take time with the people who are important to us. Children and adults respond better when we are able to acknowledge how meaningful someone/something was to us.
Take advantage of the opportunity to help your teen learn how to say goodbye in a significant way. This will serve them well, especially when it comes time for your assignment to end and they need to say goodbye again.
Dr. Solomon received her Psy.D. from the PGSP-Stanford Psy.D. Consortium. She received specialized training in child and family clinical psychology.
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