Preparing your child for your next global assignment can be complicated, but is incredibly important. As is the case with any major transition, it is important to set our children up for success to facilitate smoother adjustment. Children like their routines and thrive when they know what to expect. While going on an international assignment certainly changes things for them in many significant ways, there are things that parents can do ahead to help ease this transition.
Start as soon as you know.
This preparation phase begins from the moment you, as parents, learn about the assignment. This does not happen the same way for all families. Sometimes you have weeks or months of thinking about it and discussing it as a family before the final decision is made. This allows children more time to get accustomed to the idea.
In other situations, you might be told that there’s an opportunity that requires an international move, but you need to move with very little advance notice. If you find yourself in this situation, you know that the myriad tasks you must complete before moving is daunting, in-and-of-itself. Your children are affected in the same way.
The amount of time you and your family have to prepare will impact your child, but you can play a role in helping your child adjust to the idea of moving.
How to start discussing the move.
So, how do you talk to children about it? Oftentimes, parents want to side step the conversation or begin by telling children how great the move will be. Although this might feel better for you in the moment, this actually makes things much harder on the kids.
It is recommended that children be part of the conversation as soon as it seems like it a realistic possibility or once the decision has been made. If your child tends to be nervous or strongly prefers routine, then waiting until the decision is finalized might be preferable to avoid increasing their anxiety for no reason.
Take the time to sit down as an entire family and discuss the upcoming move. Be prepared to answer their questions (if you can) about what life in the new country will look like (i.e. where will you live, when are you leaving, etc.). Be as specific as you can be, but it’s okay if you don’t have all the answers.
Rather than talking about the silver lining of the assignment and focusing on how much fun it will be to live somewhere new, try to acknowledge how your child feels about it. Children respond better to change when their parents allow them to express their feelings. For example, simply ask them, “How does this move make you feel?”
This may sound simple, but it’s extremely important, and a step parents often overlook. Parents are sometimes worried that if they allow their child to express negative feelings, that it may exacerbate them. On the contrary, although it can feel uncomfortable to sit with your child’s negative feelings, allowing them to express them in a healthy way helps to prevent “acting out” later on. Depending on your child’s age and needs, you may find they express their feelings in words, drawings, play, etc.
Once your child expresses him/herself, validate how they feel. For example, you can tell them, “It makes sense that you feel this way,” or “I understand that you feel ___ about this.” You can also remind them of another change that they were worried about that turned out well. Or simply let them know that you understand how they feel and that you know they can do it!
Involve your child
It helps tremendously when children feel they have some control over a situation. You’ll be amazed at how eager your children may be if you give them the opportunity to make some decisions. It helps your child feel a sense of control over the transition, which even adults prefer.
Of course, there are many things that children cannot control; but, offer them choices in any way you can as your family prepares for assignment. When making a decision that impacts your child, you can ask yourself, “Is this a decision they can be a part of?”
For example, they can help you choose what is packed for the movers and what they can take on the plane. If they’re old enough, they can help you with some of the other tasks you’ll have to accomplish. You can involve children in their new environment as well. They can help you choose how to decorate their room or arrange their furniture. When children can take ownership over the process, they tend to experience fewer challenges.
Let them know what to expect.
Manage their expectations. Similar to wanting control, children want to know what lies ahead. This is particularly important with new situations. Find out as much information as possible, ahead of time, about what life will be like for them once you move.
Children have three important areas of life: school, peers, and home. Consider gathering as much information about what they can expect in these areas and share the information with them.
For example, rather than simply sharing the name of their new school, look at their school website online (if possible) and show them where their school is on a map. Discuss what home life will be like and how that might be different than things are now (i.e. will there be a nanny or driver? will you eat different foods for dinner?)
Saying goodbye.
Helping your child say goodbye to life in your home country is crucial. Children respond better to transitions when they feel that they were able to say goodbye, even though they will rarely let you know that saying goodbye is important to them. This symbolizes the end of one chapter and eases the way for the new chapter to begin.
Even if they tell you that they “don’t care,” strongly encourage them to engage in some form of goodbye with important people in their lives. Talk with your child about the possibility of staying in touch with important people via email, social media, texting, etc. Discuss what they can expect and have them talk to their friends, teachers, etc. about staying in touch.
There are many ways to do this. Ask your child how he/she would like to say goodbye. For example, you could have a going away party with their friends at your home or the park. Ask the teacher if you can do something with their classroom to commemorate your child’s last day of school. Take pictures with your child’s teacher, friends, coach, etc. Ask important adults in your child’s life if they would feel comfortable writing a little goodbye note to your child.
It is rare that we are afforded the chance in life to be able to prepare to say goodbye and take time with the people who are important to us. Children and adults respond better when we are able to acknowledge how meaningful someone/something was to us.
Take advantage of the opportunity to help your child learn how to say goodbye in a significant way. This will serve them well, especially when it comes time for your assignment to end and they need to say goodbye again.
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Dr. Solomon received her Psy.D. from the PGSP-Stanford Psy.D. Consortium. She received specialized training in child and family clinical psychology.
