I grew up with a German father (who immigrated to the US as a young adult) and lived in Germany myself. Many close friends and half of my family are German. My partner also happens to be German, and living in the US. It always delights me when my German friends and family present an opportunity to explain how North Americans relate to colleagues vs. friends, what it means to be polite at work and in public, and how it translates to behavior (oftentimes strange behavior, from their perspective).
Because I know them so well, it’s funny to hear about the borderline discomfort Germans have with the generally friendly and amicable approach that North Americans take to their interactions with strangers in public places.
Conversely, many of my North American colleagues and friends find the German approach to workplace and public interaction cold and unnecessarily brusque.
Elevator Encounter
Walking in to an elevator alongside a stranger the other day, we both tried to enter first and crashed into each other, so much so that we had to take a step back to keep from losing balance. She remarked rather exuberantly, “Oh my! I am SO sorry. Well, I guess you never do know who will make the first move, do you?” She laughed and smiled. I responded with a generic but equally enthusiastic response to indicate an authentic remorse for not having paid more attention. I made sure to smile at her and make eye contact. She reciprocated. We were polite, and felt that both of us handled the situation effectively.
I was with my partner when this happened. He said that in Germany, nothing would be said about the confusion, but there would be a clear feeling of angst over the unintentional collision (so, no smiles). Instead, he described the internal anxiety of having touched a stranger, and a resulting anger with the lack of care taken by the other person. Of course, this is one person’s perspective, but the blame game is one that I’ve seen played out across numerous situations in Germany and between Germans I know.
Berlin Meet-up
In another situation, my partner and I were having lunch at a communal table in New York, sitting next to two women. They must have heard my partner talk about living in Berlin and interjected to say that they were going to Berlin the following week. They asked a few questions about the place, with a deep interest to learn from a local. However, my partner wasn’t keen on speaking to these strangers, and was even more turned off when one of them suggested they “meet up” in Berlin, if possible. My partner’s face looked horrified. It was as if she was asking for the password to his email.
Now, we all knew the suggestion was empty, and even to me it was a bit off, but what I could sense was this woman’s desire to end the conversation warmly and ‘politely’. Suggesting a meet up was a logical way to achieve that. After all, she was going to be in Berlin, so maybe they would see each other! Her eyes said that she didn’t actually want to meet up. We laughed it off in the end, but this demonstrated a serious cultural value gap that felt very uncomfortable to him.
In the end, we’re all just fruit.
In my experience, North Americans in cities all over the continent approach their interactions with colleagues, and even strangers, with the warmth one might take with an actual friend. No actual relationship is required to merit this kind of behavior. If both parties choose to develop a friendship, then they move forward in that direction, but the veneer of what others see as friendship is merely a veneer. Americans are PEACHES, in this sense. A peach is easy to bite into and enjoy, but once you reach the pit, it’s very hard to crack open.
To Germans, this sweet, sociable behavior can be interpreted as fake or superficial, inducing suspicion or distrust. Germans, in this respect, are COCONUTS, in that their exterior is very hard to break open, making it hard to get to what’s inside, but once you’ve taken the time to crack the shell open, you are in for good.
This fruity explanation is a fun way to explain the relationship styles of various cultures. Do you agree? What kind of fruit would you use to describe your culture?
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